Talk Much?

I have a very annoying delemma; I am incapable in verbally conveying my true opinion about any certain topic no matter how hard I try. I just can't seem to make my words work! I always feel like any great idea I have immediately becomes very much ungreat as soon as I try to tell someone else about it. Why is this? How do I make others understand what I mean? I have no idea, so don't expect an answer. I almost feel like if I just never spoke again, I would be so much happier because then I would never notice the silly side of every thought I conceive and honestly thought was a super awesome idea. How come other people's words get me down so easily? I seem so sincere about whatever it is I'm thinking about before I share it, so why does one person's criticism of it cause me to rethink the entire thing right then and there. And most of the time, that results in me simply giving up the idea, never to ponder it again. That's seems very problematic to me, I shouldn't be so sensitive to the thoughts of others. I think it may have something to do with the inborn code of having to be right that I can't help but follow, due to the lack of the confidence level needed to break it. How do we even build up our confidence anyway? And I mean in a healthy way that won't end up in a later crash, like when people change their appearance to gain the approval of others. I don't want a quick fix for this problem, I want to genuinly have the strongness that comes when one finally isn't affected by the negative opinions around them. But how is this accomplished? I know from my Christian background that my answer should simply be "ask God to fix it," but for some reason that just doesn't cut it for me. I believe that he can fix it in others, but for some reason I doubt that he'll fix it in me. It sounds so stupid to me even as I write this, but nevertheless it's truly how I feel. I wish it were different, but I would be lying to say that it was. I want so badly to let go and just let God handle everything, but something holds me back and I can't pin point what it is. Again, "ask God" is the first thought that pops into my mind, but I feel like I don't even actually understand that anymore. Maybe I should just stop trying to figure everything out because it's not working or leading me anywhere. Maybe I could just start from the begining. Sigh, I could really use a mentor or something.

Courting is the Way to Go

After contemplating my last few dating relationships, I've come to the conclusion that the popular approach to them is not for me. None of them have made me feel genuinely good, through all of them I have felt smothered in some way. I always was trying to please the other, afraid to speak up and be myself, often neglecting my friends, forced to deal with constant prodding for some kind of physical attention (such as hand holding or a kiss), and being unable to think of anyone or anything else. It was not fun looking back, though I couldn't see that then. Do all relationships have to be like that? I hope not. I've heard of a few people who have had a contrastingly pleasant experience when it came to dating, only they called it courting. Courting is a bit like dating, except a whole lot different. There is a rather strict set of rules that goes along with it that various from couple to couple really. Some take it to the exreme, absolutely no touching of any kind and no alone time whatsoever. Others can be more lenient, maybe holding hands or hugging prior to marriage with maybe a few private moments while taking a walk through the park. I am not an extreme person, so neither of these options would quite fit my style, but a combination could suffice. Therefore, my idea of a perfect relationship is one which includes no touching except maybe the occasional, friendly hug (but that's it, I've learned that I'm Way to sentimental to even allow hand holding) and allowing for a few "alone" dates to public places. I wouldn't want to be alone in the car with the person, at least not at night, because that's the pretty much the opposite of a public place, and I would want to get to know the person for several months at the least, perferably a year or two, before getting engaged or married. It sounds kind of harsh perhaps, but I'm not willing to have another pointless relationship. There are more important things I need to focus on in this life, and I don't need a bunch of boys distracting me from those things. I believe that if I'm even supposed to get married, then I'll run into to one for me, so it seems like a waste of time and effort for me to go out looking and trying out all the ones available through dating. So, conclusion being, courting is what I choose, and I will not settle for anything other.

I just felt the need to share my resolution about this so that I can solidify my decision even more, so thanks to anyone who chose to read it. I hope I wasn't too much of a bore.

A Rant Regarding Religious People

Nothing makes me more angry than Christians who taint God's good name by attempting to shove religion down the throats of nonbelievers or misguided people. They aren't doing any good for what they call God's kingdom, all they are doing is making Christians look bad and it drives those they are trying to help away, possibly to never take Christians or God seriously again. The ineffectiveness that a judgemental and unexcepting Christian is obvious to most everyone else besides that person. How can they not see? Can't they tell that they aren't producing any possitive relationships by the way they gossip and treat others? Isn't it clear that those who need the most help are simply pushed away by the blunt dissaproval that is placed on them? I was at a small get together not too long ago, and I was actually pretty excited for it because I was going to see people I hadn't seen in years. Well, it turned out to be a very uncomfortable experience. The whole time the adults couldn't resist the urge to obnoxiously mention God or biblical text wherever they could while, of course, condeming certain people they had come across with in their years. I mean, I believe that God is very important and all, I love Him very much, but seriously? How does going to the grocery store Really relate to a bible verse? Sure God provides for us and all, but is it really necessary to insert it? I mean, it was obvious that the whole table knew the verse already. It was probably just an attempt to show off their scripture knowledge further. Another thing, is it necessary to thoughtlessly throw groups of people into boxed categories, as if the individuals in that group were exactly the same? Teenagers was a very popular one. Apparently all teenagers are selfishly ignorant and have no sense of time, willing to throw away their entire life just for the need to be rebellious. Really? Okay! Also, they have no self confidence and are bound to conform themselves to the downward spiral of today's society if they are left to choose for themselves. I think not. I happen to have some self confidence and general knowledge about time, like how there's 24 hours in a day and 364 days in a year, and how a lot can happen in that time. I know that a relationship of only a few months doesn't make it permanent, even if it did seem so at the time. Do all adults know that? I do not believe so. I've heard of stories where grown men and women have gotten married after only a few months or even Weeks of being together. Does that seem logical? Not at all! And then those poeple get divorced and they wonder what happened. Hmmm, tough one. And how does discussing everyone else's flaws help them anyway? Even if I was their stereotypical teenager, are they in any way enhancing their life experience by pointing out the wrongs in me? No, they are only exposing their own weaknesses. For instance, one of the conversation topics was about a girl who got married to a man that wasn't a very positive influence because of his past problems and current struggles. She had been volunteering at her church, working with a group of children. But that was "unexceptable" according to the man in charge of the ministry crew because she was now a bad influence to the children because of her husband. So, in order to "correct" the "destructive" situation, the guy in charge of a church's ministry crew decided to disallow the girl to be involved in that church in the hopes that she wouldn't pollute the minds of the young chaps. What? Pollute the children? What would the girl have done? Told all the little girls to go marry men who had some severe problems that would make their lives miserable? No, that's ridiculous! The man thought he had done the right thing, but all he managed to do was make that couple stop going to church and seek fellowship from them. Wow, good job, very successful. But of course the man could not see this as a problem, he was only worried about keeping his church full of perfect little Christians. What a great church, only reaching out to those who don't need any help on their walk with God. But honestly, those people probably need to most help of all. Many of them have convinced themselves that they are better than everyone else (they would never admit that, but it's obvious they believe it). That's not how Jesus acted when he walked the earth many years ago. He spent time with the drunks, the selfish, the immoral poeple, not the snobby, rich, and religious ones. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks like this, maybe I'm the odd one here. But I plan to do things the way Jesus did and not pass judgement on all of those who are different from me (which is everyone, in case anyone has forgotten). I know I won't do it as well as Jesus did, but I'm willing to give it my best.

*I realise that I have also stereotyped people in the process of writing this, it's hard not to. So if anyone is offended then, I am sorry, I am just trying to make a point. Good day to you all!*

Freak-Outs of the Appearance

A few days ago I got my hair cut super short, and ever since then I have had a multitude of people either silently judge me for it or mistake me for one of the male gender. What is wrong with a Christian girl having "sinfully" short hair, and how do I look like a boy? I've got womenly curves for goodness sakes! Or atleast teenage girl curves. Luckily it's mostly the younger generation that has asked me if I was a boy or a girl, so I can forgive them quite easily since they simply don't know better, but it is a bit weird when adults somehow don't see any femininity about me and just throw out "him"s and "he"s all over the place. Not that I care too much, but it has gotten me to think about it. What exactly is it that makes me appear to be an average teenage boy instead of an adventurous girl who likes to experiment with hair length? I suppose I don't always wear the most girlyish clothes, make-up isn't my thing, and my voice isn't the popular generic feminine kind, but I don't think that would automatically makes me seem like a boy. Maybe people don't look at details anymore and just make judgements on the most obvious features, such as hair. I wish I could understand what it is that others see when they look at me, because I definitely see a girl (not that that means much, since I Know I'm a girl). But I guess it isn't really that important, I'll just have to start getting used to this kind of thing if I'm going to keep my hair short. My friend Marie learned to live with it in her mohawk days, so I can learn to as well! But in the meantime, hopefully this rant has helped all of you to think twice before calling a short-haired-girl a "he" and possibly lowering her sacred self-esteem. That being said, good day to you all!

Peanut Butter Wafers with a Side of Inspiration

So here I am, sitting in a small room surrounded by windows at 10 o'clock at night with a laptop in my grasp, just thinking of what I could possibly blog about. Well, nothing was coming to mind, so of course I would get up to get myself a snack and put some music on, which ended up being instrumental music inspired by nature (a.k.a. soundscapes). While eating the peanut-buttery treat to the sound of "Clouds," I finally felt motivated enough to start writting, not totally sure where it would take me. But that's not really the point is it? I'm not a huge planner, I usually just frustrate myself in the process and give up if nothing comes to mind quick enough. This quality of me is extremely evident when it comes to my artwork. The only pieces that I have come to enjoy the most and actually still like to admire are the ones that I had spontaneously picked up a paintbrush and started putting some colors down, not worrying about the ending product in the least. That's how I like to work, in most situations at least. I feel it's easier that way, leaves more room for creation and less room for stress. Oh stress. My mom always tells me that stress isn't real and that our minds create it, which makes sense unless you also believe the concept that everyone has their own reality. If that's your stance, then you would have to admit that if someone created stress for themselves, then it would be real to them. I believe that stress doesn't have to occur if you have the right mindset, but I also believe that it exists. Wow, it's crazy the effect classical music can have on me. Just a little bit ago I was kind of in a grumpy mood, for no reason of course (don't you love that?), and in no mood to reflect on random ideas like this. I should listen to it more often, then maybe I won't be so moody all the time. Though when you have 7 siblings plus parents to deal with everyday, each one pulling on a different nerve than the other, music might not do the trick all the time. And playing less video games would be helpful too. I've been into these games called Dragon Age and Fable II lately (thanks to my older brother, the ultimate gamer) and I've noticed that being on them for too many hours makes me the most cranky grump, and once I'm in that mood it's hard to change it. Perhaps simply timing myself on it would keep me from playing all day, but I like being in a game too much sometimes. It's an addiction I believe my whole family suffers from (except my mom, she's somehow immune). But anyway, it's about bedtime for me (though it might seem weird for a teenager to go to bed at 11 during the summer, that's one reason why I'm not normal). I'll write again sometime and hopefully reading this wasn't too boring, not that I really care, this blog is more for me than it is for you. Have a great night, morning, whatever!

Unskilled Rookie

So, first blog, first post. I'm sure that makes everyone excited...especially since I have no idea what I'm even going to write about. But I've got to start somewhere right? The only times that I ever really discuss my thoughts and/or feelings about some seemingly very important event or idea through the unspoken arrangement of words is in my own, handcrafted journal. But I don't want to make this into a dramatic novel of my life for anyone to see. So then, what do I want to make of this? Well, I guess I would just like to be able to write down my secretive opinions about certain subjects in the hopes that by allowing others to agree or disagree with them, and maybe offering their own opinions, I would then gain enough confidence in myself to be able to finally speak my mind without the fear, or care, of disaproval. With this being said, I will end this first and short attempt at writing something interesting and come back when I have a grand idea for another post. Until then, I'm going to try to enjoy the next few days before I'm going to be forced into working on my dreaded summer homework. Good day to you all! (which is probably not many, doubting that there will be a lot of readers)